Sunday, May 4, 2008

Selfish Desires

I love my family. I mean it... I love them like I've never known I could love anything or anyone. I love The Man. He is a constant source of stability for me. He is patient and loving and understanding. He is sweet and painfully honest. Last night he went out with a friend and didn't return until 6:30 this morning. In the morning when I awoke and went out to our living room I noticed this sitting in a vase that I keep on our coffee table.


I love gardenias. :) What could be more sweet than him picking a flower and leaving it for me to find?

I love my children. They each have these wonderful characteristics that are so different and so wonderful. They amaze me daily as their little individual personalities blossom and show themselves. Bug is incredibly kind and curious. He is thirsty for knowledge and constantly striving to understand the world around him. Munchkin is my eager to please child. She wants everyone to love her and is deeply sensitive if she feels that she has disappointed us. She will go out of her way to be helfpul and pleasing. She's shy if she doesn't feel comfortable in her surroundings but quite sure of herself and authoritative when she is surrounded by people she trusts. My little Goober is my comedian. He constantly makes us all laugh, an absolute joy to have as a child. He is loving and sweet, always there to hug and kiss and cuddle with. I sometimes look at them all and can't believe I have been so lucky to have them all such a great part of my life. They are amazing.

As much as I love my family, I can't help but miss my individuality. I was 22 when I had Bug, young by today's standards but not so young that it was a big shocker. For the past 9 years, though, my life has been wrapped up in my family and not at all in myself. There are things I've wanted to do my whole life, things I've decided I wanted to do more recently, and things I'm not sure about but I think I'd like to try that I fear I'll never have the chance to do. There's a whole world I haven't seen and I am starting to feel my time ticking away.

With my life wrapped up around what to serve for dinner and when our next Brownie meeting is and all the exciting uses for Dawn dish washing liquid, I've forgotten what matters to me. I've pushed aside so much for motherhood and I'm so scared I'll never have the opportunity to live out my dreams.

I feel selfish to even be typing this... so many people would give anything for my life and here I am wanting more.


Michelle@Life with Three said...[Reply to comment]

I know what you mean. It's not selfish, it's just there's more to you than being a mom. But, there's a time for everything. My mom has always told me, "As a woman, you are incredibly lucky. You can have everything you want. You just can't have it all at once." My mom was a SAHM and housewife for probably about 14 years. After that she ran three very successful businesses. Now, she's at a time in her life where she's traveling and developing new hobbies and interests.

Of course, there's nothing that says you can't bring your kids with you on some of those trips (particularly your oldest). I'm hoping to travel with my oldest daughter in another few years.

I hear ya, though. Sometimes the same ol', same ol' can get a little tedious. :)

Robin said...[Reply to comment]

It's never too late to rediscover yourself. I went back to grad school in my late twenties, back to school again (to learn to be a lactation consultant) as a 30-something mother of two and now at nearly 39 I'm still figuring it all out. As my kids grow, I'm rediscovering passions I'd forgotten I had and adding new ones to the list. Michelle's right - you can't have all of it all of the time, but you sure as hell can have some of it, sometimes.

It's waiting right there for you, all you have to do is look.