Saturday, February 28, 2009

They'll never take me alive!

The laundry is overtaking me. It has grown from a basket to a pile to a mountain to an erupting volcano of clothing all over the floor of our laundry room, which is really just the front portion of our garage. The laundry grows daily as if it has been sucking down Weight Gainer 3000 when I'm not at home.

Part of me wants to throw it all into big black garbage bags and haul it all off to Goodwill, still dirty. A big part of me.

But I know I must wash it. I know I must conquer it. And once it is all smelling of Cherry and Vanilla and warm and fluffy in our closets I will feel better. I will feel accomplished.

That day will come... someday. I don't think I've ever had the laundry under control in the almost 6 years we've lived here. Once before the 2005 hurricane I think I got it pretty close, though. In my panic that we would be without power for days I decided to get all the cleaning and laundry done. I got close... but the laundry... it still won.

It always wins. The tee shirts, the jeans, the gym clothes, the underwear, and the socks. Especially the socks. They are my biggest enemy. Perhaps because they all have an accomplice, a friend. They spread themselves as far away from each other as possible so I can never get them back together again. I've tried to defeat them by bringing in teams of socks purchased 6 pair to a package from Target. Surely if there are 12 of them I'll be able to get a pair before school in the morning, right?

That's what they'd have you believe. But no, the socks are smarter than that. One bright white one sneaks itself into the pile of red clothes to wash. Now I will have no sock to match it! One sock sneaks itself into the dog's mouth, allowing it to be torn and tattered until it barely resembles a sock. Another sock works its way between the couch cushions and one behind the bathroom door. They hide in various locations until my head spins with fury.

"It doesn't matter if they match, honey, just put them on! We're late for school!"

You've won this time, laundry. But you haven't defeated my spirit... I'll be back.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Did you know that rats can't vomit?

They can't... and they can't burp, either. Weird, huh?

Kids can vomit, though....

Monday was my birthday and that's when I awoke to the first sick kid. Munchkin had a fever and generally just felt like crap so I let her stay home from school.

In doing so I gave up my birthday lunch, but such is life. She was such a good sick kid, too. She basically just curled up in blankets, watched TV, and slept.

That night I dragged her out for a birthday dinner with my family because I'm a bad mommy who cares more about celebrations than her child's welfare.... and her temperature was under 100 so I figured she'd live.

At dinner there was much fun and ruckus. My friend, Jenny, tagged along as she had just flown in from PA that afternoon. I think my family may have frightened her a bit... but I'm sure she'll get over it. I received gifts of 8 Tervis Tumblers and a Wii Fit from my wonderful family. Sweet! I've been playing with the Fit every morning and it continues to insult me for being a fat ass, but in a very cute way.

Tuesday morning I awoke to two sick kids. Munchkin was still running a fever and Goober was starting one up. I packed Bug up for school and drove him in, letting the other two sleep in. Unfortunately by 10:30 I received a call from the school nurse. Again.

So Tuesday and Wednesday was spent with me emptying bowls of vomit, taking temperatures, encouraging kids to sleep, settle down, watch Disney. Oh, it's been fun around here. Today Goober and Munchkin were well enough to head back to school but Bug's temperature has been all over the place and the poor kid just feels terrible.

And me? I'm just exhausted.

Conjunction junction... what's your function...

The past few days have been a little crazy around the Spaz household. It all started Friday when I got the call from the school nurse at Bug's school. Don't you just love it when you see that number come up on your caller ID? Oh... you mean, you don't have your child's school nurse's number memorized? That must just be me.

Mrs. Spaz? This is the school nurse at Bug's school calling. You'll need to come pick Bug up as soon as possible. I think he may have pink eye.

Pardon me while I have a little heart attack.


Pink eye, officially called conjunctivitis, is incredibly contagious and there's really nothing much that can be done for it other than to wait it out. So I immediately began to freak out that the other two kids, or worse yet The Man or I, would get it.

See, I've had my own run in with the conjunction junction back in college when I wore contacts. Evidently you're not supposed to sleep in your disposable contacts for three weeks straight while living in smokey environments. Who knew?

So I drive to Bug's school and talk to the nurse who tells me that Bug will not be allowed back to class until he has a doctor's note. Great.

So I call the doctor who tells me they'll try to fit him in. Now, this is the doctor's office that we commonly wait over an hour in the waiting room for when we have an appointment. Since I have somewhat of a life and two more children to take care of, I wasn't willing to give up the entire day sitting in the doctor's office. Instead I did something wonderful. I remembered that Walgreens has a clinic inside of it. Within 20 minutes of me picking up Bug from school, we were being seen by the nurse practitioner there and we had our doctor's note. And even better? Bug didn't have the funk in his eye. Evidently he had just gotten something in his eye which had since worked its way out. All was right with the world.

However, the nurse did let me know that his tonsils were a little enlarged and he had a very minor fever. So Bug came home with me.

The weekend passed uneventfully, all kids seemed healthy and nothing notable really occurred.

And then Monday came.

Stay tuned to Domestic Spaz for more...

PS - My beautiful and insightful sister, B2, has succumbed to the lure of the blogosphere. I can't tell you how tickled I am over it. :)
PSS - this post was in no way endorsed by Walgreens. Really, it was just that awesome.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What do you mean I don't talk about the kids anymore?

As I mentioned before, I've been taking Sudo to the dog park. The true joy he experiences there at the park is like nothing you can imagine. We went to a couple parks before we found the one we truly feel at home at and Sudo has finally earned a place among the regulars.

Because yes, there are regulars at the dog park.

We've met Sabrina and Cocoa and Max and Sunset and a handful of others whose names I can't quite recall. Sudo loves them all. He has no problems playing with the largest dogs or the smallest. He often takes several minutes running along the fence separating the large dogs from the small dogs with a toy poodle or a miniature schnauzer. He has no prejudice. Anyone who will chase him or allow him to chase them is his friend.

Today Sudo found a mud hole while I was distracted talking to another dog owner. Before I noticed he was going in he was already in it. Oh the mud must have felt so good to him. I was so happy to let him in the car after that.


Have I mentioned lately how much I love this dog? It's true... he's captured my heart, this little furball. I never considered myself much of a "dog person" either. I always loved cats and couldn't understand why someone would want a pet that had to go outside to use the bathroom even when it's raining or cold or in the middle of the night. I vowed I loved cats because you could fill their food bowl up and leave them for the weekend.

But now... I will gladly pay $20 a day for him to be housed at the pet nanny if we go on vacation and I find myself enjoying the view of our yard frequently while saying "Go potty! Good boy!"... because I love this dog.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

I'm Just Not That Into This Movie....

I got to do something on Friday that just doesn't happen quite as often as it used to. I got to head out to a movie with a girlfriend.

We saw the much awaited He's Just Not That Into You with every actress in Hollywood starring in it. Seriously...

And if you haven't seen this movie and you actually care about not having me spoil the ending for you - stop reading now because spoilers are about to happen.

Now, I'm not going to say that I didn't like the movie because I did. It's one of those movies that I enjoyed enough that if I'm flipping through channels on a Saturday afternoon ten years from now and I see it on TNT I'll stop and watch it.

But I had a big problem with this movie. The Jennifer Anniston/Ben Affleck couple. Neil and Beth. Neil and Beth have been together for 7 years but they have never walked down the aisle. Beth wants to get married and Neil thinks things are great as they are. Beth pushes for more, gives up, they break up. Beth's little sister gets engaged, many jokes are made at poor Beth's expense since she is not married yet. Beth's father has a heart attack. Beth observes her many brothers-in-law acting like typical male pigs while she takes care of her father and tries to keep the house running smoothly. Neil shows up when she's at her wit's end and does laundry and grocery shopping and washes dishes and she all of a sudden decides he's wonderful and has been more of a husband to her than any of those jerks have been to her sisters.

And I was all teary eyed and happy about it.

See, I know I haven't really advertised it in the past, but The Man and I are not legally married. I have, however, been married in the past and learned that standing in front of someone who pronounces you husband and wife does not a commitment make. The Man and I are as committed as two people can be to one another and I almost thought that this movie was going to illustrate that.


Except it didn't. Hollywood just couldn't resist having a wedding scene, could it? Nope...

Of course Neil hides a ring in some crummy khaki pants for Beth to find and then we fast forward to our wedding scene. Of course! Because you can't really live happily ever after unless you have a diamond on your hand.

And and audible "Eee!" was heard from all the 20 something girls in the audience with us at the opening night showing of this movie. Yeah... I hope they watch it in 10 years on TNT when life has actually happened to them.

Are there any movies that illustrate a real love story? One that shows a real couple who are already committed and past that starry eyed stage where rainbows literally shoot out of their asses? A story that shows them pushing through the hard phases, going through hell, and coming out the other side stronger and more committed to each other. Why do all the stories start with boy meets girl and end with a wedding scene? Shouldn't the wedding scene be the beginning of the movie? If you know of any of these movies, let me know... because I want to watch that movie.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Stop this train! I want to get off!

Lately things have been a little busy and I've definitely let the blog fall by the wayside. And it's not that I don't have things to post about, either... because I could definitely let y'all know about how it's Girl Scout cookie time and my weekends are filled with cookie booths and Munchkin meltdowns. Or how I've recently learned to love taking Sudo to the dog park.

I could talk about how I'm still dealing with insurance companies over the little fender bender I had last month. Or how I'm being forced to spend every waking hour revising eBay listings to say that I don't accept checks and money orders any longer.

I could go on and on about how it infuriates me when antsy parents behind me in the kid drop off circle at the school have the nerve to HONK at me when my child takes too long to exit the vehicle. Seriously, today I was completely caffeine free and I nearly got out and smacked someone.

But all of that is sort of humdrum, yanno? I mean... there are real issues out there. Like why did Geico stop using that adorable little gecko and start using a stack of googly-eyed money? Seriously? What's endearing about a stack of bills?

And why the heck is it so darned cold outside? I live in South Florida for goodness sakes! My kids should not need three layers to go to school. And speaking of layers, where are all of Munchkin's jackets going? She has at least five and for some reason I can't ever find one. I imagine she's leaving them all at school because down here it's 50 degrees at 7 AM when we're heading out to school and it's 85 degrees at 2 PM when they get home.

I'm beginning to remind myself of Jerry Seinfeld here, though, so I think I'll just get to the point.

Lately, it has come to my attention that everyone I've ever known reads my blog and I can't imagine why... especially when it takes me over a week to update! They're all incognito, too, because they never comment. But it seems that every time I run into someone in public they let me know that I crack them up regularly. When I started writing here I thought maybe my sisters would read and perhaps a couple of friends. But the blog seems to have spread a bit. And though that scares me, I'm mostly pleased. :) You love me, you really really love me!

So Mrs. Payne, my 12th grade AP English teacher, if you're reading this, I apologize for my terrible lack of skills in the grammar department and I do know that it's not considered correct to start a sentence with a conjunction. I'm going to continue doing it anyhow.

To my childhood best friend, Sommer, could you please leave a comment? I've been wondering what's been up with you for years now and I'd really like to get back in contact. The last time I saw you we were 17 years old and were sharing our love of the Violent Femmes. Let's do lunch, kay?

And anyone else who may be reading this who knows me, like for real, leave a comment wouldja?