Tuesday, March 29, 2011

This post is so mushy and sweet it should be called oatmeal

I'm writing today about someone who has made my life worth living for.

I've given this some thought and I continue to come up with the same cliche answers. The people closest to me, The Man, the goblins, my mom and dad, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, and my best friends. They've all made my life worth living together.

There are days I wouldn't have gotten out of bed if it weren't for the fact that I had children to take care of. Dark times in my life when I'm not sure I would have kept on going if it weren't for them. The day that Bug was born my life instantly, without me realizing it at the time, went from all about me to all about him. My goblins cause me such a complicated range of emotions. They are both the most frustrating and most wonderful things that have ever happened to me. I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but not one of my children was planned. Delusion, Birth Control Pills, and IUD failure caused my little miracles and they are the most incredible accidents I've ever had.

With each positive pregnancy test I wondered how I would manage it. When I discovered I was having Bug I had no idea what I was about to embark on. I was a clueless 22 year old, fluttering around in my life like a butterfly being blown around in the wind. I embraced motherhood with the same technique I had embraced every other change in my life up until that point, I took whatever was thrown at me and dealt with it in the moment without much thought to the future. When I look back to the pure ignorance and immaturity of myself at that time, I'm shocked they let me leave the hospital with him. I remember that day so vividly. My mother drove me home from the hospital to the little townhouse I shared with my new and even more immature husband. She left me there, alone with this tiny little creature and I felt a sense of panic I had never experienced before. I think it may have been that very moment that I became a mother.

My children changed me into a better person. They've made my life rich and selfless and shown me how fulfilling it can be to love someone else more than you love yourself. I have learned more from them than I think they will ever learn from me and they absolutely make my life worth living.

The Man came into my life at one of the darkest times. He was always in my life, really, but he stepped up during one of the hardest times of my life and grabbed me by the hand and held it all the way through until I could see the light again. A young mother of two, with the rug swept out from under my feet, I felt worthless and unlovable and sure that no man would ever look at me again. He opened my eyes to my own self-worth at a time when I had completely forgotten it. And for a decade, he has stood by me through the best and worst of times and never even considered leaving. He brings me a happiness I never knew could exist and makes every day worth waking up for.

My parents and my sisters, the family that raised me, they have stood behind me through all of the ups and downs of my life and they will continue to stand behind me. I am the baby of the family, a decade younger than my sisters, and therefore have always had a safety web of adults who have helped me through those difficult growing up years. They've watched me make mistakes and have always welcomed me home with open arms when I needed a safe place to come home to. My mom and dad, my sisters, and the men that my sisters have chosen to marry and raise their families with are truly my friends. I love to be with them and I know that, even though we don't always agree, that we will always be there for each other.

My nieces and my nephews, all of them. Ranging from the sweetest and newest baby on one side of my family to The Teenager, who you may have read about, on the other, and everywhere in between, each and every one of them has a piece of my heart. Such an amazing mix of personalities they have. There is nothing quite like being an aunt. To know these kids and be allowed to watch them grow and become the men and women they will become is an incredible honor. I've always tried to make sure they all know I am here for them, and on many occasions they've trusted me with what is in their hearts and minds. Being loved by all of these amazing kids is a privilege I would have never imagined I would be so thrilled to have. When B1 first made me an aunt back in 1994, I had no idea how much that little baby would steal my heart. And somehow, as each one of them has come into my life, my heart has only grown bigger to allow each and every one of them into it.

And my friends. I have the best friends in the world. As time goes by, I've learned who I can truly call my friend and I can't imagine my life without them. With all the hundreds of people who have come into my life and left an impression, precious few of them have remained my real friends. They're the ones that call just because they're thinking of me. They're the ones who know me at my best and my worst and love me anyway. They're the ones that really get me. They are always there, even if we haven't spoken in a year, they are always there. A phone call away or maybe an email, when times get tough we rally around each other and hold each other up. Those are real friends and they've made my life worth living.

It's a network that makes my life worth living, a circle of hands, of hearts, of smiles, of souls. It's all of them together. Those people who have made my heart so full of joy and love and happiness that make me think I must have hit some jackpot of awesomeness in the slot machine of people who can be in your life. I'm truly lucky and blessed.