Friday, March 25, 2011

It's not easy to forgive yourself for being a crappy mom

The trip down meme lane is a tough one today. Today I'm supposed to tell you all about something I have to forgive myself for.

So today's post is all about my Bug.

Because I feel like I've failed him more than my other children. He needs me the most and I'm not as available as I wish I could be. And I have to stop beating myself up over it.

I know I'm a good mom. I know I'm the best mom I can be. I know that I give my kids as much as I possibly can, and sometimes more than that even. Bug is no exception to that. It's just that he seems to need more than the other two.

The homeschooling debacle is only one example of how I feel like I've not risen to the occasion with Bug. When we decided to give it a try this year, I really thought we were making the best decision for him. I really felt like I'd be able to give him enough of my time that he'd excel. I really felt like the break from regular school would be just what the doctor ordered for Bug.

But it all unraveled before my eyes as we got deeper into the school year. Bug needed a lot more attention that I would have ever imagined. And 5th grade is no picnic, y'all. I tried to scramble and make up for lost time. I picked and chose to make sure he was learning what he needed to learn but that no time was wasted. But that wasn't really doing him any good and I saw my Bug feeling more and more overwhelmed and I felt helpless.

Thank Heavens for the principal at his school now. The man who let me sit in his office and cry while I explained that I was failing my son. He understood and he told me I didn't suck.

And then, of course, there was the time I ignored appendicitis. I ignored appendicitis. I told him to go back to class and stop complaining.


I still haven't forgiven myself for that.

Bug needs me more than Goober or Munchkin. He wants to be with me. He will come and sit in my office while I work just to be with me. He wants to tell me about all the weird thoughts in his head and about the new iPod that's coming out or the new update to Android. He asks me if we can go out and look for butterfly eggs (cocoons, I guess) and if I have a roll of tape he can use to create a prototype of some invention he's got floating around in his head.

Today while he was doing his homework he imagined the numbers were kids. One number was picking on the other number and then the other number was multiplied and got bigger and picked on the original number back. It was both an interesting and a worrying thought.

He's the one I worry about, he's the one I feel like I'll never be good enough for. And I know I have to forgive myself for all the times I wasn't the best mom for him and just keep trying to do better.

This post was rough. I think we'll strive for levity next time.


the_happy_hausfrau said...[Reply to comment]

It's hard to express how we feel about the job we're doing with our kids. You're not alone in feeling like a sucky mom some of the time, my friend.

Our pediatrician reassured me, many years ago, that aside from the hardcore hurting stuff, the mistakes most of us make aren't going to permanently damage our babies. "They're flexible" he said.