Saturday, March 26, 2011

Remember that "Forgiveness" song that Anna Farris sang in the movie "Just Friends"? That was awesome... someone should totally record that.

Something I have to forgive someone else for. That's today's meme subject.

I do have someone in my life right now that I haven't forgiven. Right now, I'm not ready to forgive. Honestly, I don't know if I ever will. And if I do forgive, things wouldn't go back to the way they used to be with this person.

This person and I used to be really great friends. The kind of friend you call when something awesome happens to you because they're one of the first people you think to tell. The kind of friend who you feel like you can say anything to and they won't judge.

Except I was wrong. This person was judging.

And I guess it's that judgment, and the way that it was revealed to me that the judgment was happening, that stings the most. It was like the whole backbone of that friendship broke. Or, I guess, it wasn't ever really there.

I wonder why I thought it was, I guess.

And when it all came out, when the word vomit spewed forth and I saw clearly that this person was so self-absorbed that the reality I saw and the reality they saw were entirely different, everything changed.

There's no way to get that friendship back. Forgiveness won't change the words that were said and the fact that this person truly wasn't ever the person I thought they were.

It's funny because people warned me. And I could see for myself the wreckage this person could make out of relationships. But I thought things were different, that our friendship was different. I don't know why, I guess I just really felt a bond with this person. Or maybe, at the time, this person was the only option I really had so I clung to it.

I don't feel comfortable with the anger I hold inside of myself because of it, though, so I know I need to find forgiveness. Not to regain that relationship, because it's not possible to get something back when you never had it in the first place. But I need to forgive so I can stop holding on to anger.

People are who they are, no matter how much you want them to be someone different. So how can I be angry at someone for being the person they are?

Quite easily, actually.


The Virtuous Girl said...[Reply to comment]

Wow -- I can't wait to get the inside story on this one. However, I do think that it is so very important to forgive this person and let go of your anger. It is truly a gift for yourself -- a gift of internal peace and self love. XOXOXXO