Monday, March 28, 2011

This meme makes me frown more than smile... Not sure if 30 days of it is a good thing...

Something you hope you never have to do.

This meme is sort of depressing, you think? Because this topic is obvious to me and when I first noticed it on the list I was tempted to skip it. I don't want to write about it, I don't want to speak it.

It's my biggest fear and one that I know so many parents have had to endure... and it terrifies me that it could happen to me.

I hope I never outlive any of my children.

I have a lump in my throat just to write it.

And it happens so often... and it just never should. I know mothers who have lost their babies, their daughters, their sons, their adult children... and the anguish and despair they must endure is incredible.

Yet, I see them move on. Sort of. In a different way. Nothing is ever the same for them, but they can live. They find a way to keep living. Maybe for their other children, maybe for their partner, maybe for themselves. I'm not sure for what. Maybe just because they don't have a choice.

I can't fathom it. I can't imagine how to move on from losing a child.

I think every parent has had that gripping, chilling, fear when, for a split-second, they think one of their children is in grave danger. Maybe you've been somewhere and you turned around and couldn't see one of them for a second. Or maybe there was a car accident and you didn't know if your child was involved in it. Or maybe you went to pick them up somewhere they were supposed to be and they weren't there.

And when you finally spot them in the crowd, or find out that the blue minivan in that accident wasn't the one your child was in with his best friend's mom, or realize you got the pick up time wrong from the field trip and they're not supposed to be there for another hour... when you realize everything is just fine the sense of relief washes over your body like nothing else.

If ever a day comes when one of these little things happens and everything isn't okay, I just don't know how I could ever pull myself out of it.


the_happy_hausfrau said...[Reply to comment]

A friend of mine from high school lost her 20 year old son last summer, due to injuries sustained in this insane war. He died in another country, away from home. She has been utterly amazing...Ben's organs were donated and my friend was able to place her head on the recipient's chest and hear his heart beating. She has done what I fear most...lost a child and continued to live herself. It's hard to think about, and I rarely allow myself to go to that place.