Wednesday, February 4, 2015

This is the stuff that makes up a midlife crisis.

I am stuck in a rut. And yesterday I had a little bit of a mental breakdown over it.

After a whole day of sitting behind a desk listing Fifty Shades of Grey tee shirts on eBay, I realized the day was growing late and I needed to think about what to make my family for dinner. I ventured into my kitchen and found it a disaster, the dinner dishes from the night before still sitting there untouched. In automatic mom mode, I simply pushed up my sleeves and started washing them, all the while thinking about what to make for dinner.

It was half way through the nasty sink dishes that I just realized I hate this. And yes, I'm trying to be mindful and stop focusing on the negative and try to be there while I do these menial tasks that just have to be done. But yesterday was hard for me. Because isn't that what prisoners do? They try to just get through every day of their sentence, doing their menial tasks, trying not to be angry, trying not to hate it. Except this is my life forever. There is no end in sight.

Yes, I realize I don't have it as bad as a prisoner. I can go jump in my minivan and go to the grocery store whenever I want to. I can spend all my money on my kids with wild abandon at any time. I have such freedom, really.

Is this who I really am? This frumpy mom character who puts on make-up twice a month maybe and whose life revolves around when boneless skinless chicken breasts go on sale at the grocery store? Is this me now? I used to be something more... I once stood at the precipice of a million paths.... and when I took a step, this is the path I chose.

I don't know how to get back to myself, to the person I used to be before I became everyone else's person.


2 comments:

Niki Luchini said...[Reply to comment]

Thank God you are still 'my' person...bcs i'd be lost without you!!!!

PS I hate dishes, too....

the_happy_hausfrau said...[Reply to comment]

Oh Beth. Hugs. I know that feeling all too well. As the kids get older you will get more chances to branch out, to see if the "old you" is still in there somewhere. Or if the new you, this one you chose to be, is actually pretty awesome. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised to find that there is a whole bunch of life left after this admittedly monotonous phase starts waning.

Hang in there <3