Tuesday, September 25, 2012

This is true redneck innovation right here... you may want to take notes

I don't know if your house is like my house, but if it is then you know a little something about what I like to call "The Shoe Dilemma".

Simply explained, this is when one or more of your children can't find their shoes. The Shoe Dilemma has plagued all three of my children on numerous occasions - sometimes it even gets me.  Sometimes it affects only one shoe, sometimes both, but at least once a week we seem to have an episode.  It most frequently gets us when we're already late for something and it results in me screaming and yelling, tears from at least one child, and quite often feet being crammed into shoes that are too small.

Evidently, The Shoe Dilemma is so traumatic in my house that Bug decided the other day that he would just jump in the car without shoes at all, rather than invoke the chaos that would come from admitting that he couldn't find his shoes.

Did he think I wouldn't notice? I'm not sure. I think this was a case of "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" in his head.

To be fair, my kids are true Florida children. They run around without shoes a lot. True Florida kids play outside barefoot, ride bikes barefoot, run over to their neighbor friend's house barefoot and probably jump in a few mud puddles on their way there. In fact, over the summer I'm pretty the boys didn't put a pair of socks on their feet even once.

At any rate, we were really just going to run a few errands and pick up The Man from his office (his truck is out of service right now, which is a whole other blog entry) so maybe he thought he'd get away with it.

But, by the time we got The Man and conversed, it was decided that we were all hungry and wanted to grab a pizza at a local restaurant. 

It was then that we discovered Bug's bare feet.

So what's a crazy Spaz family to do? Stop in at the Walmart and grab a pair of $1 flip flops? Just go home? 

No way! 

Nothing a little sharpie can't fix. 

(It totally worked, too.)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

File this one under "Things That Make Me Crazy" - The Drop Off Circle

I know I'm not the only one that fumes over this. I know there are other parents out there that also get the urge to jump out of their minivan and bitch slap another parent in the wee hours of the morning. I know it's not just me.

You see, every school day I drop Goober off at school. The other two ride the bus, but since the elementary school isn't too far from the house I still drop him off in the mornings.  If you're a parent who drops your child off at school, then you're familiar with the concept of the "drop-off circle".  I know it works slightly different at each school, but the concept is basically the same. 
If the door that your little darling exits your vehicle from is within the "red zone" it means he or she is safe to get out of the car and should do so. In the example shown here, the first six cars should all kick their precious sweethearts to the curb and exit the circle. Then the seventh car should proceed all the way to the position previously held by the first car and another six children will exit their vehicles. Are you all following me?  These are the rules of all drop off circles across the nation. 

This morning, The Spaz Van was behind a Black Escalade in the drop off circle and since we were within 10 minutes of school start time, it was a packed circle. 

As you can see in this picture, the Black Escalade is well within the "red zone" and thus a child should be exiting the vehicle. What you can't see in this picture is that The Spaz is arguing with Goober about his missing ipod and not paying attention to the fact that no child is exiting said Black Escalade.

Now, the only thing that should hinder the perpetual motion of the drop off circle is when there are people in the crosswalk and the "Stop Sign Man" stops the flow of traffic to allow them to safely cross. Accidentally stopping in the crosswalk is the BIGGEST no-no of the drop off circle and will be met with evil stares and admonishment from Stop Sign Man.

Stop Sign Man stopped Black Escalade this morning to allow children to cross safely in the crosswalk, allowing Black Escalade another chance to deposit their shining star of a child within the red zone.

Again, no child exited Black Escalade.  This, however, was the spot that Goober did exit The Spaz Van as it was safely within the red zone.  He left the car without so much as a "Bye Mom" since he was irritated with me for lecturing him about taking care of his belongings.  Again, I paid no attention to Black Escalade since I was preoccupied with Goober's lack of love for me.  But that's not really the point.

So when traffic started to move again, I absolutely assumed that we would be moving completely out of the drop off circle, considering Black Escalade must have taken at least one of the two opportunities to say goodbye to their beloved angel.

This is what happened next. 

Yep, that's what it looks like. Black Escalade wouldn't DARE make their cherished treasure of a child actually WALK more than absolutely necessary, so Black Escalade stopped right at the gate, ignoring all drop off circle rules. So I, of course, had to slam on the brakes and ended up totally in the middle of the crosswalk.  For the entire time that Black Escalade's prized pet fumbled with the gigantic door and attempted to collect her pink glittery backpack, I dealt with the heated anger from Stop Sign Man. 

I was so furious with Black Escalade that I nearly followed it so I could yell at the driver at my first available opportunity.  But I wasn't wearing a bra and I certainly didn't want to be the crazy mom with no bra losing her mind at some unsuspecting parent - who probably had done her hair and had on full make-up. No doubt she was on her way to a morning yoga class or to grab a vanilla latte with her girlfriends at Starbucks. 

No resentment here. Really.