The Spaz kicks this meme in the teeth and steals it's lunch money

So I'm just going to knock out the rest of this meme right here today. I'm not overly thrilled with the remaining topics on it, so I figure I'll just give you all another bulk post. Today it's a TENfer.

Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

I go to her. She's my best friend. No argument we could have ever had would keep me from her side if she was injured. This question gets a resounding "duh" from me and makes me think this meme was written by a 12 year old.

Day 22 - Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.

Started this meme?

Day 23 - Something you wish you had done in your life.

When I was a senior in high school I applied to a bunch of colleges. One of them was Loyola in New Orleans. Sometimes I think that if I had gone there instead of to UF I may have been more successful. But I was scared to go so far from home and I was in love and wanted to be close to my boyfriend at the time and all my friends were going to UF so I declined the invitation to go there.

But if I had, my life would probably be a lot different and I probably wouldn't have The Man and the goblins... so I can't say a different choice would have been better.

Day 24 - Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

No.

Day 25 - The reason you believe you're still alive today.

What kind of a question is this? I'm alive because I haven't died yet. And that's a good thing.

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

I think most people, at one dark time or another, have thought that life might not be worth living. I've never really let that thought linger in my mind for an extended period of time, though. I know that life has its ups and downs and I've always been hopeful for the future. So even when things are really hard, I know that whatever phase I am in will pass.

Day 27 - What's the best thing going on for you now?

It's The Man. I know that sounds all hokey and sugary sweet, but it's the truth. He's my happy place when things are tough. Most relationships suffer when times are stressful, but it's the opposite in our relationship. When I feel like the roof is about to cave in, The Man is the one that shows me everything is going to be alright. The tough times are what have made our relationship as solid as it is. That's how I know he's a keeper.

Day 28 - What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

If I got someone pregnant I'd call a doctor... and then Guinness... and then the National Enquirer. If I got pregnant (again), I'd be shocked. And considering that I've had a tubal ligation, I'd be petrified I had some sort of ectopic pregnancy thing going on. So I guess I'd call a doctor for that, too.

But I guess the question is truly more about what would I do if I found myself to be pregnant and everything was normal about the pregnancy... and in that case, I'm sure The Man and I would persevere. At this stage in our lives, it would not be a welcome thing at first. There would be shock, tears, a mourning of the loss of our late forties and beyond (because we're counting down, y'all), The Man would lament the imminent thinning of his wallet and hair, and I would lament the loss of sleep and sanity.

And that would go on for a while, and then I'm sure we'd become accustomed to the idea, as people tend to do, and we'd get excited and plan and all that junk. And then we'd fall in love with our fourth goblin. But let's hope that doesn't happen, kay?

Day 29 - Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I feel like I already answered this question somewhere in the days before. I'd like to become more organized. I did already answer this, I know it.

Day 30 - A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Dear Beth,

You make me laugh. Considering I am you, that's probably more of a bad thing than a good thing, but I don't care. Laughing is good and I'm glad you make me laugh.

You have really nice hair. Especially now that you've found the correct products to use in it. It would be nicer if your hair didn't insist on turning gray before you'd ever reached 30, but thanks to the advent of at home hair color, it's really not that big of a deal.

That's enough for now. I wouldn't want you to get a big ego.

Love,
Beth

So that's that. We'll resume our regularly scheduled blog posts tomorrow later today.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Purple Haze, and Mr. Brownstone

I've had my experiences with drugs. I won't pretend I haven't. When I was a kid, my dad lectured me regularly on the dangers of drugs. He'd tell me stories of people he knew who found themselves held by the powers of cocaine and heroin and how it ruined their lives. And for most of my teenage years those stories kept me from experimentation.

When I got a little older I dipped my toes into the waters of drug use with a little pot and some LSD, but for the most part I stayed away from drugs. I like to be in my right mind, I guess, and anything that alters my reality is a little uncomfortable. So drugs never really captured me.

It's my opinion that marijuana should be legalized. Or at the very least, decriminalized. I see no reason to imprison people who like to giggle and eat Doritos and I see far more damage done by alcohol than pot.

I guess I have a pretty moderate attitude toward mind altering chemicals. It's not really any of my business whether another person decides to spend their life in a drug induced haze or mania. As long as that person isn't coming into my home and robbing me or holding me at gunpoint, I don't concern myself with their decision to throw their life away. Unfortunately, those drugs often push a person to endanger other people and that's when I think laws need to protect the innocent.

When it comes to my own children, I give them the same lectures that my dad gave me. Those talks kept my sisters and I on a pretty straight path, at least until we were old enough to make more educated decisions. If I find out that one of my children, in their adulthood, decides to experiment with drugs I will continue to give them those lectures. I will continue to talk to them about the dangers and the risks and I will pray they know their limits and know when to say no thanks.

The Teenager and I have talked about drugs and so far it seems she's not that interested. At 17, I'm sure that she's encountered a reasonable amount of peer pressure to try things and I know what it feels like to want to be accepted by even the most surly of friends.

My advice was to tell her friends how badass she used to be and how she can't smoke that stuff anymore because her parents are drug testing her on a regular basis. Or how she's on probation with the law and has to come up with a clean urine sample.

Or she can just tell them she doesn't feel like it. Whatever works in that situation. In my experience, kids don't push as hard as people think they might. A simple "no thanks" works pretty well and doesn't raise many eyebrows.

This post was Day 20 on the 30 day meme, Your views on drugs & alcohol.

These subjects shouldn't be discussed at garden parties or other social events in polite society... good thing I don't go to garden parties...

Today is Day 19 on the 30 day meme and it's a doozy. Today I'm supposed to talk about politics and/or religion. Two subjects I've been told never to talk about.

And that's good advice, really, because these conversations never really lead anywhere good. Unless you're with like minded people, in which case what's the point?

But for the sake of not being a quitter, I'm in!

As for politics, I tend to lean libertarian. I hesitate to lock myself in there, but I definitely lean there. I believe in free enterprise and small government. I think people should be free to make their own decisions as long as those decisions don't harm others or prevent others from making their own decisions. I worry about anyone leaning too far to the left or too far to the right. Bumper stickers stating political opinions irritate me. Sometimes they even ignite a private little rage within me.

Today I saw one that said "Remember 9-11-01. Because the Democrats have already forgotten." On the same car was another sticker that said "Does my American flag offend you? Call 1-800-LEAVE-THE-USA" And it sort of made me want to smash in their windows. Not that the idea behind either of those stickers was so offensive... but the manner in which the message is delivered is. It was parked in a handicapped spot. I was tempted to wait and see if the driver came out and was actually handicapped. Then I realized I would have been disappointed if they were handicapped, so I went on with my life.

As for religion, I've cause many a loved one much agony over this. I was raised in a non-practicing Catholic household and religion was never forced down my throat. The story of Jesus and the Virgin Mary is beautiful and the promises Christianity make are truly amazing.

But I will never be a Christian.

Do I believe in God? I haven't decided.

I study Buddhism and I try to follow the teachings of Siddhartha Gautama. It's a path that I will continue to walk for the rest of my life. And whether I am reborn into a new life when this one is over and get to go further in my quest for enlightenment is not something I dwell on. Maybe that's what happens and maybe we are all reunited with our loved ones in heaven. It's not for me to know or pretend to know.

What I do know is that I can continue to live my life as close to the Eightfold Path and the Middle Way as I possibly can. I can bring myself back to center when I stray, and I can truly live the most honest and noble life I am capable of.

And if that lands me reborn or in heaven or just recycled into the earth to feed plants and worms, that's just fine with me.

First comes love, then comes a legal civil union, then comes an adopted baby from Vietnam in the baby carriage

Finally this meme got a little interesting! For Day 18 I'm assigned to write about my views on gay marriage.

My opinion on this subject is a resounding "Of COURSE!" And I can't even wrap my head around any other option. Why wouldn't two people who love each other be allowed to marry each other? And don't come back with some stupid ass argument like "What's next? Should we let people marry their dog?"

Dogs aren't people, y'all. You show me a dog that can sign a marriage certificate and say vows and I'll give this dumbass argument some thought.

It surprises me that this is such an issue with people. In my opinion, there's no argument to be had. Don't bring your religion into it, because then you're just persecuting someone based on their different religious beliefs and you may as well be driving them out of England in the 16th century. Don't tell me that marriage is a commitment before God and God thinks homosexuality is an abomination. That's what your marriage may be to you, but that's not what a ton of other marriages are about and you didn't stand up at their wedding and tell them they couldn't get married. Today, marriage is a legal agreement.

Maybe we should just abolish everyone else's marriage and make them all legally go get "domestic partnerships" and marriage could be saved for something that has nothing to do with legality and only to do with religion. Then it wouldn't be your business or my business whether Bob and Bill or Jennifer and Jessica were married because they did it in their own church under their own religious guidelines. And legally, we'd all have the same equality that we should have.

That all being said, marriage is not important to me. I have been married before and that didn't work out. The Man and I decided not to legally marry, but we are more committed to each other than my husband and I ever were. Maybe when everyone else who loves each other can legally marry, we'll get married, too.

In Vegas, by an Elvis impersonator or maybe a fabulous drag queen. Definitely the drag queen.

Bring me a TAB and a chocolate doughnut, please. Hold the strawberry ice cream.

Ah, we've arrived at Day 15 of our meme. Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

This one's easy.

It's diet soda. Dammit, I love diet soda. There's nothing better than opening the fridge first thing in the morning and cracking open a cold can of diet soda. I'm not horribly particular on the type of diet soda, either. Some people are all about Coke and others Pepsi, some people love a Dr Pepper or a 7-up. I'll take them all. Give me aspartame and fizzies and I'm happy. Add cherry flavoring and I'll be your new best friend.

I have tried to break the habit. I've read stuff that made me think the aspartame was going to cause me to grow a third eye or start barking at random intervals. And I'm cool with the Splenda versions of diet soda, too. In fact, TAB, made with saccharin, is probably my favorite of all. I think my mother put it in my baby bottles.

When I was growing up, we probably went through 10 2 liter bottles of TAB and then later Diet Coke in my house a week. That might even be a low estimate. My dad never touched the stuff, choosing to drink mostly water and occasionally an iced tea with no sweetener. He's always been the healthiest out of all of us. We didn't even typically use glasses. We'd just take a "chug" from the bottle straight out of the fridge. We were so classy.

There was always a 2 liter in the door of our fridge and whoever drank the last "chug" had to replace it with a 2 liter that would be found in the fridge located in the garage. My mom called it the "back porch fridge" because evidently in the years before I was born they had a refrigerator located on the back porch and she never could stop calling the 2nd fridge that. I think she might still call her garage refrigerator that.

I've heard warnings that if you drink straight out of a 2 liter bottle it will go flat faster. We never had one in our fridge long enough to know if that is true or not.

I don't buy myself diet soda on a regular basis. Though, the last time I went to Publix they had these two new flavors of Diet Mountain Dew (Supernova and Voltage) and I did grab a 12 pack of both of them. Delicious, by the way, and with lots of caffeine. Huzzah!

So I don't always have it in the house. It's the only way I can regulate myself. I grab one every time I visit my parents, who keep a stocked assortment of sodas in the "back porch" fridge, and it's fabulous.

The best, is really a fountain soda, though. And please don't tell me how disgusting fountain sodas are and the lines don't get cleaned and all of it. I know. I've heard it all. But there's just nothing like a big ginormous* cup of crushed ice and a cold diet soda with a straw. The deliciousness.

At one point I tried to switch to regular soda because I thought the artificial sweeteners were surely going to send me to an early grave. But I was panicked about the calories and I couldn't really enjoy it. Hand over the box of doughnuts, but don't you dare put a real Coke in front of me.

Why can't they come up with calorie free doughnuts that taste that good?

And on a similar note, I'm going to go ahead and knock out Day 16 of the meme, too. Someone or something you definitely could live without.

This one is strawberry ice cream. I never could stomach it. Strawberry ice cream, strawberry milkshakes, all of it. Blech. And what the hell is up with Neopolitan? Why would someone ruin that delicious chocolate and vanilla with that horrendous pink stripe? When I was a kid my dad would buy Neopolitan ice cream and my sisters and I would attack the chocolate and vanilla leaving only this perfectly formed island of strawberry in the middle of the carton. Like a pink land bridge across the carton with remnants of chocolate and vanilla on either side. Come to think of it, that strawberry ice cream was nothing but an unwelcome implementation of segregation.

The snake got out of the box, Ryan.

I can't really say Ryan Reynolds was ever my hero exactly, but he's easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean. I don't have a lot of actor crushes, honestly, but I don't mind watching a couple hours of him. I didn't really notice him until The Man dragged me to see X Men in the theater and he came on screen as Deadpool. Yeah. You should see that if you haven't.

Anyhow, so then I made a point to watch some of his other movies and I wasn't disappointed. Just Friends, Definitely, Maybe, Adventureland, The Proposal, all entertaining movies. Nothing I'm going to jump up and down about or tell people they just have to see it, although the scene in The Proposal with Betty White and Sandra Bullock in the woods is something I've told people they had to see - oh heck, let me show it to you.

Hilarity!

But back to Ryan Reynolds.

So I watched Buried even though it seemed like it was going to be a boy movie and I'm not much for explosions and dirt and grime and all that junk because I figured The Man would like it and I'd get to look at Ryan Reynolds the whole time.

Except you can't even really freaking SEE him! It really is in a dark coffin the whole movie. No flashbacks, no seeing other people outside of the box, and the lighting is pretty much what you'd expect from the inside of a coffin. And the movie itself really sucked. Setting aside the fact that it's horribly unrealistic, because that's about 95% of movies anyway, I didn't even really care if he ever got out of the stupid box, to be quite honest. I mean, you'd think I'd actually care if he got out of the box, right?

And where the hell did the snake go?? The snake got out of the box, Ryan.

Which made me wonder if maybe I've been duped by Ryan Reynolds. Maybe I've been fooled by his glistening, pretty boy, ridiculously cut exterior? Maybe he sucks as an actor? Because if he couldn't make me give a damn whether he was buried alive or not, then I can't say much for him. I mean, I'd pretty much not want anyone to be buried alive... but about an hour into Buried I was sort of hoping the box would just cave in so I could turn it off and go to bed.

The budget for the movie was $3,000,000... to film a man in a box. I could have filmed this movie for $20 with HandyCam. I can't imagine how that money was spent. Maybe it all went to Ryan, I don't know. There are starving children in the world and Hollywood is spending 3 million dollars to film a man in a box. I'm just glad we saw it at home and not in the theater because if I had unloaded the amount of money it costs to go see an actual movie on this, I would have been livid.

Critics loved this thing, too. And I'm not one to poo poo on indie films and Sundance gems and all that stuff. I love a quirky independent film and I'd have had no problem with the whole man in a box thing the whole time if the man in a box would have at least been a little likable. But all in all, you just get the impression that he's an ass.

You let me down, Ryan. I am disappoint.

PS - I guess I should mention that this is Day 14 of the 30 day meme - Write a letter to a hero who has let you down. Although not in actual letter format, the same principle applies.

Ooh, it's a twofer! Or a sixfer! Even better!

So as far as the meme goes, I never promised I'd do the whole thing, and this is my blog, and I'm not much for following rules. So I'm half-assing the next 6. I don't think they're worth a whole post a piece, so here's a 6 in 1.

Day 8 - Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like crap.
I considered posting about one of my ex-boyfriends and making it a whole PSA about teenage domestic violence, but I don't want to drag that junk out. So here's my PSA - if your child is dating someone and you think they might be violent, do whatever it is you have to do to figure out if your child is being hurt. Follow them, stalk them, read their diary, whatever. Protect your kid first. They will most definitely hate you while you do it, but when they grow up they'll love you even more for it.

Day 9 - Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.
I had a friend in elementary school. We were like peas and carrots, y'all. The BEST friends EVER. She moved to Colorado when we were kids. She came back to Florida a few times for visits and we'd see each other but it's not so easy to maintain a long distance friendship when you're a kid. The last time I saw her we were 16 and I had just gotten my first car. Like seriously, JUST gotten it. It was a stick shift and I could barely drive the thing. We drove around all day listening to the Violent Femmes and stalling out all over town. It was great. I still miss her.

*Note - this portion of the post was edited. Originally I had included my friend's name because I had hopes that maybe some day she'd google her own name and find this post. See, when I last went searching for her I did google her name and nothing substantial came up.  I tried facebook, all that stuff.  When I posted this, I didn't think to google her again just to see if anything had changed because it really wasn't all that long ago that I attempted to find her.  Well, I did google her after this was posted and what came up wasn't good.  Evidently my friend and I have walked different paths in our lives and her path appears to have led her to a place where armed robbery is an option for her.  With that new light, I'd rather our paths didn't cross again.  I am deeply saddened to have discovered this. It's shocking to know that this person who was the sweetest, most genuine and kind person as a child, could get to a place where $50 is worth putting someone else's safety in danger. I just don't even know what to think.

Day 10 - Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.
I honestly can't say I have anyone in my life I need to let go or wish I didn't know. I mean, maybe there are some people who come along every once in a while that aren't my favorite people to deal with, but I can't exactly say I wish I didn't know them.

Day 11 - Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
It's my sparkling personality, y'all.

Day 12 - Something you never get compliments on.
My housekeeping abilities. Never once has anyone wanted to eat off my floor... except the dog.

Day 13 - A band or artists that has gotten you through some tough days.
The Cure. It's awesome brooding music. During almost any teenaged angst filled day of the 90s I would turn on Robert Smith and let the black sadness wash over me. Later on I turned to Sarah McLaughlin and lots of country music to get my cry on. Lately a simple Hallmark commercial will do it for me.

Tune in tomorrow for Day 14 - A hero that has let me down where you'll hear my hero say "I'm buried in a box. I'm buried in a box!"

This post is so mushy and sweet it should be called oatmeal

I'm writing today about someone who has made my life worth living for.

I've given this some thought and I continue to come up with the same cliche answers. The people closest to me, The Man, the goblins, my mom and dad, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, and my best friends. They've all made my life worth living together.

There are days I wouldn't have gotten out of bed if it weren't for the fact that I had children to take care of. Dark times in my life when I'm not sure I would have kept on going if it weren't for them. The day that Bug was born my life instantly, without me realizing it at the time, went from all about me to all about him. My goblins cause me such a complicated range of emotions. They are both the most frustrating and most wonderful things that have ever happened to me. I'm almost embarrassed to say it, but not one of my children was planned. Delusion, Birth Control Pills, and IUD failure caused my little miracles and they are the most incredible accidents I've ever had.

With each positive pregnancy test I wondered how I would manage it. When I discovered I was having Bug I had no idea what I was about to embark on. I was a clueless 22 year old, fluttering around in my life like a butterfly being blown around in the wind. I embraced motherhood with the same technique I had embraced every other change in my life up until that point, I took whatever was thrown at me and dealt with it in the moment without much thought to the future. When I look back to the pure ignorance and immaturity of myself at that time, I'm shocked they let me leave the hospital with him. I remember that day so vividly. My mother drove me home from the hospital to the little townhouse I shared with my new and even more immature husband. She left me there, alone with this tiny little creature and I felt a sense of panic I had never experienced before. I think it may have been that very moment that I became a mother.

My children changed me into a better person. They've made my life rich and selfless and shown me how fulfilling it can be to love someone else more than you love yourself. I have learned more from them than I think they will ever learn from me and they absolutely make my life worth living.

The Man came into my life at one of the darkest times. He was always in my life, really, but he stepped up during one of the hardest times of my life and grabbed me by the hand and held it all the way through until I could see the light again. A young mother of two, with the rug swept out from under my feet, I felt worthless and unlovable and sure that no man would ever look at me again. He opened my eyes to my own self-worth at a time when I had completely forgotten it. And for a decade, he has stood by me through the best and worst of times and never even considered leaving. He brings me a happiness I never knew could exist and makes every day worth waking up for.

My parents and my sisters, the family that raised me, they have stood behind me through all of the ups and downs of my life and they will continue to stand behind me. I am the baby of the family, a decade younger than my sisters, and therefore have always had a safety web of adults who have helped me through those difficult growing up years. They've watched me make mistakes and have always welcomed me home with open arms when I needed a safe place to come home to. My mom and dad, my sisters, and the men that my sisters have chosen to marry and raise their families with are truly my friends. I love to be with them and I know that, even though we don't always agree, that we will always be there for each other.

My nieces and my nephews, all of them. Ranging from the sweetest and newest baby on one side of my family to The Teenager, who you may have read about, on the other, and everywhere in between, each and every one of them has a piece of my heart. Such an amazing mix of personalities they have. There is nothing quite like being an aunt. To know these kids and be allowed to watch them grow and become the men and women they will become is an incredible honor. I've always tried to make sure they all know I am here for them, and on many occasions they've trusted me with what is in their hearts and minds. Being loved by all of these amazing kids is a privilege I would have never imagined I would be so thrilled to have. When B1 first made me an aunt back in 1994, I had no idea how much that little baby would steal my heart. And somehow, as each one of them has come into my life, my heart has only grown bigger to allow each and every one of them into it.

And my friends. I have the best friends in the world. As time goes by, I've learned who I can truly call my friend and I can't imagine my life without them. With all the hundreds of people who have come into my life and left an impression, precious few of them have remained my real friends. They're the ones that call just because they're thinking of me. They're the ones who know me at my best and my worst and love me anyway. They're the ones that really get me. They are always there, even if we haven't spoken in a year, they are always there. A phone call away or maybe an email, when times get tough we rally around each other and hold each other up. Those are real friends and they've made my life worth living.

It's a network that makes my life worth living, a circle of hands, of hearts, of smiles, of souls. It's all of them together. Those people who have made my heart so full of joy and love and happiness that make me think I must have hit some jackpot of awesomeness in the slot machine of people who can be in your life. I'm truly lucky and blessed.

This meme makes me frown more than smile... Not sure if 30 days of it is a good thing...

Something you hope you never have to do.

This meme is sort of depressing, you think? Because this topic is obvious to me and when I first noticed it on the list I was tempted to skip it. I don't want to write about it, I don't want to speak it.

It's my biggest fear and one that I know so many parents have had to endure... and it terrifies me that it could happen to me.

I hope I never outlive any of my children.

I have a lump in my throat just to write it.

And it happens so often... and it just never should. I know mothers who have lost their babies, their daughters, their sons, their adult children... and the anguish and despair they must endure is incredible.

Yet, I see them move on. Sort of. In a different way. Nothing is ever the same for them, but they can live. They find a way to keep living. Maybe for their other children, maybe for their partner, maybe for themselves. I'm not sure for what. Maybe just because they don't have a choice.

I can't fathom it. I can't imagine how to move on from losing a child.

I think every parent has had that gripping, chilling, fear when, for a split-second, they think one of their children is in grave danger. Maybe you've been somewhere and you turned around and couldn't see one of them for a second. Or maybe there was a car accident and you didn't know if your child was involved in it. Or maybe you went to pick them up somewhere they were supposed to be and they weren't there.

And when you finally spot them in the crowd, or find out that the blue minivan in that accident wasn't the one your child was in with his best friend's mom, or realize you got the pick up time wrong from the field trip and they're not supposed to be there for another hour... when you realize everything is just fine the sense of relief washes over your body like nothing else.

If ever a day comes when one of these little things happens and everything isn't okay, I just don't know how I could ever pull myself out of it.

Around the world in my head for now

Something you hope to do in your life is today's meme topic. How am I supposed to narrow it down to just one?

I hope to travel to as many places as I can go. I want to see the world. So far I've lived a poorly traveled existence. At 34, I've been very few places.

I've had two visits to Washington DC as a child, once with my mom and sister to visit my aunt and once with the safety patrols in 5th grade. Summers were spent with my family in the mountains of North Carolina when I was growing up and those vacations often included day trips to places in Tennessee and Georgia.

It was my sophomore year of college that I bought my first plane ticket and flew with Jenny (I've mentioned her before... keep up!) to visit our friend, Liz, in Boston. On that trip I took the bus to New Jersey to visit another friend for a couple of days. We took the train into New York City and I got to lay on a bench in the plaza in front of the twin towers and look up at their magnificence. That's definitely something I'm glad I did. We were too poor to pay to go to the Observatory at the top, I can't remember how much it cost, but we were poor college students so our observing had to be done from the ground.

That same year another good friend of ours was married in Georgia so we drove up from college in Gainesville to attend her wedding. We had her bachelorette party in Athens two nights before her wedding which was genius of us because she was so sick the next day she probably would have vomited on her groom.

The next year was the year I sold vacuum cleaners door to door. We had a convention in New Orleans so I hopped in my soon-to-be boyfriend's car and crossed into the Central time zone for the first time. Almost west of the Mississippi, but not quite. That was when I learned that, though the law had recently changed and raised the drinking age from 18 to 21 in Louisiana, all you really had to do was show the door guy at any bar and he'd let you in anyway. Evidently they just had to look like they cared. (I would have been 21 in a month, anyhow.)

That was a fun night. I spent the evening drinking these green drinks called Hand Grenades that had little floating plastic grenades floating in them. I collected a ton of them. If it hadn't been for soon-to-be boyfriend, I probably would have jumped on the back of a Harley with this random guy who asked if I wanted to ride. That wouldn't have been stupid or anything. We left New Orleans the next morning and I remember the drive back being truly wretched.

In the late 90s I worked for a company that was headquartered in Atlanta so I got to fly there and back a lot. At the time, B2 lived in Atlanta so it was convenient that I got to see her. The malls in Atlanta are super-fantastic, y'all. I could very happily live in that city.

In 2001 I purchased a plane ticket to fly to visit a Jenny in Portland during her brief stay there. I was so excited because we were going to drive down to visit the Redwood Forest. I have always been enamored with pictures of those gigantic trees. My trip was canceled due to the September 11 attacks, though, so I'm still waiting to see those trees.

In 2005 my dad surprised all of us with a trip to the Bahamas on the Disney Cruise. It was my first time on a cruise and my first time out of the country. Since that trip we've visited the Bahamas twice more, once by plane and again on the cruise. The plane is nice, but that boat is definitely the way to go!

In 2009 I flew to Pittsburgh for Jenny's baby shower and to see the house that she and her husband renovated in Braddock. Jenny took some time to drive me into Pittsburgh and show me some stuff. It truly is a beautiful city, too. And the Heinz bottles! I have to love a city that produces such adorable little condiments.

That is the extent of my travels, though, and that makes me sad. I don't think I see great travels in my near future as it's just difficult to have young kids and animals and travel the world. But give me about 10 years and I'm all over the globe. I want to go everywhere and see everything.

Remember that "Forgiveness" song that Anna Farris sang in the movie "Just Friends"? That was awesome... someone should totally record that.

Something I have to forgive someone else for. That's today's meme subject.

I do have someone in my life right now that I haven't forgiven. Right now, I'm not ready to forgive. Honestly, I don't know if I ever will. And if I do forgive, things wouldn't go back to the way they used to be with this person.

This person and I used to be really great friends. The kind of friend you call when something awesome happens to you because they're one of the first people you think to tell. The kind of friend who you feel like you can say anything to and they won't judge.

Except I was wrong. This person was judging.

And I guess it's that judgment, and the way that it was revealed to me that the judgment was happening, that stings the most. It was like the whole backbone of that friendship broke. Or, I guess, it wasn't ever really there.

I wonder why I thought it was, I guess.

And when it all came out, when the word vomit spewed forth and I saw clearly that this person was so self-absorbed that the reality I saw and the reality they saw were entirely different, everything changed.

There's no way to get that friendship back. Forgiveness won't change the words that were said and the fact that this person truly wasn't ever the person I thought they were.

It's funny because people warned me. And I could see for myself the wreckage this person could make out of relationships. But I thought things were different, that our friendship was different. I don't know why, I guess I just really felt a bond with this person. Or maybe, at the time, this person was the only option I really had so I clung to it.

I don't feel comfortable with the anger I hold inside of myself because of it, though, so I know I need to find forgiveness. Not to regain that relationship, because it's not possible to get something back when you never had it in the first place. But I need to forgive so I can stop holding on to anger.

People are who they are, no matter how much you want them to be someone different. So how can I be angry at someone for being the person they are?

Quite easily, actually.

It's not easy to forgive yourself for being a crappy mom

The trip down meme lane is a tough one today. Today I'm supposed to tell you all about something I have to forgive myself for.

So today's post is all about my Bug.

Because I feel like I've failed him more than my other children. He needs me the most and I'm not as available as I wish I could be. And I have to stop beating myself up over it.

I know I'm a good mom. I know I'm the best mom I can be. I know that I give my kids as much as I possibly can, and sometimes more than that even. Bug is no exception to that. It's just that he seems to need more than the other two.

The homeschooling debacle is only one example of how I feel like I've not risen to the occasion with Bug. When we decided to give it a try this year, I really thought we were making the best decision for him. I really felt like I'd be able to give him enough of my time that he'd excel. I really felt like the break from regular school would be just what the doctor ordered for Bug.

But it all unraveled before my eyes as we got deeper into the school year. Bug needed a lot more attention that I would have ever imagined. And 5th grade is no picnic, y'all. I tried to scramble and make up for lost time. I picked and chose to make sure he was learning what he needed to learn but that no time was wasted. But that wasn't really doing him any good and I saw my Bug feeling more and more overwhelmed and I felt helpless.

Thank Heavens for the principal at his school now. The man who let me sit in his office and cry while I explained that I was failing my son. He understood and he told me I didn't suck.

And then, of course, there was the time I ignored appendicitis. I ignored appendicitis. I told him to go back to class and stop complaining.

Appendicitis!

I still haven't forgiven myself for that.

Bug needs me more than Goober or Munchkin. He wants to be with me. He will come and sit in my office while I work just to be with me. He wants to tell me about all the weird thoughts in his head and about the new iPod that's coming out or the new update to Android. He asks me if we can go out and look for butterfly eggs (cocoons, I guess) and if I have a roll of tape he can use to create a prototype of some invention he's got floating around in his head.

Today while he was doing his homework he imagined the numbers were kids. One number was picking on the other number and then the other number was multiplied and got bigger and picked on the original number back. It was both an interesting and a worrying thought.

He's the one I worry about, he's the one I feel like I'll never be good enough for. And I know I have to forgive myself for all the times I wasn't the best mom for him and just keep trying to do better.

This post was rough. I think we'll strive for levity next time.

The first title that came to my head was largely inappropriate... I'll use this one instead

It's supposed to be Day 2 of the 30 day meme and I'm supposed to talk about something I love about myself. It's not that I don't think I'm fabulous, because I think the fact that I have a certain degree of narcissism is evident by the fact that I write this blog.

It's just hard to really narrow it down to one thing.

I jest. No, I typically don't toot my own horn but there is one thing I really do love about myself.

I'm pretty open minded. I really do try to look at things from all angles before making decisions. I try not to judge people based on first impressions or initial reactions. Sometimes this bites me in the ass, but typically I think it serves me well.

Open mindedness, however, also leads to a lot of analysis* about things that a lot of people take for granted. Big issues like religion and education and morality and small issues like whether strawberries might taste good on pizza (not bad, actually).

Some times it's a pain in the ass to be open minded. It often puts me on the other side of the fence in social situations and it forces me to really think before I make decisions. Open mindedness is often time consuming (maybe that's my time-management issue).

I can remember back to the first presidential election I was able to vote in. It was 1996 and my sophomore year of college. My friends were hugely liberal and were all voting for Clinton. I chose not to think and voted for Dole because he fell off the stage in California during a campaign event. (I've always had a thing for injured animals, too.) That, and my dad told me to vote for him. In fact, I remember sitting on the phone with my father as he told me what answers to put on my absentee ballot.

Hey, at least I voted. Or... my dad did... twice. Our two votes didn't help poor old Bob Dole, though.

Now that I'm older, elections require eons of thought. I research everything until I'm bleary eyed and I'm not sure I even end up making better decisions. My votes will span the entire gambit of political parties because I research the candidates directly. My dad still gives me his insight and I take it to heart, but now those votes are truly my own. It seems pointless, honestly, as I wait for the results on election nights as though I'm waiting to see if the team I bet money on is winning. Generally, I'm disappointed by the results, but if my parents ever taught me anything it was that not voting wasn't even an option.

Being open minded hasn't always turned out for the best, however. I've come to the defense of more than one person who I felt was being bullied only to find out in a short amount of time that they were quite deserving of every bit of ass they had handed to them. Nothing like being made to look like an idiot by another idiot.

In most cases, the fact that I can see things from a different angle has given me a greater perspective and I'm pretty happy with the results. I have friends that I might not have had because of it and I think people probably value my opinions because they know I've given them some thought before spouting them off. I may just be inferring that last point, though.

Sometimes it leads me down some interesting roads of thought, but that's usually a fun journey. And it's always fun to listen to the reactions I get when I take people down those interesting roads.

*Did you know that analyzation isn't a word? At least blogger doesn't think so. I guess that's a non-word of the day. Heh.

What I hate about myself

In an effort to tell writer's block to piss off, I'm going to start a 30 day meme. I've copied it from another blog and maybe it was copied from somewhere else before that, I don't know. I'm not sure I'll do all of the prompts or if I'll do them in order of if I'll do one every day. I'm not that much of a rule follower.

But here goes:

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

You mean, besides my ridiculously slow metabolism? Shall we go deeper than that?

This one is a toss up, really. Because if I could solve one of these things, the other wouldn't be a problem.

1. I bite off more than I can chew. I do it all the time. Recently it was taking on Bug's schooling. If I didn't work all the time or do girl scouts or attempt to clean my house or do the fifteen loads of laundry a day my family somehow creates or sleep, then I probably could have done a great job with Bug's school. But instead, I tried to do it all. And I failed at everything.

My business was hurting because I wasn't working enough, girl scout meetings were being thrown together the day of the meeting and the girls were suffering for it, my house was a disaster, there was so much laundry piled in front of my washer and dryer that I literally couldn't walk to them without causing a possible injury, and poor Bug wasn't getting the kind of attention he truly needed to succeed in the 5th grade.

So something had to give. And since Bug's education wasn't something I could play around with, that was the one that went. And I can't tell you the relief I felt when I knew that I would be able to hand his education back to a real bona fide teacher that knows what the heck she is doing. Something I probably should have done back in October when I started to get the idea that maybe I wasn't going to be able to do it as well as he needed me to.

2. I have terrible time-management skills. And see? If I could just get this one figured out I might be able to chew everything I bite off. Or if I could stop biting off more than I can chew I could probably figure out how to manage my time. It's a catch 22, really.

When I was growing up my mother had a saying.

"Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance"

I can't believe I wrote it here. I can hear her in my head. I'll be able to hear her in my head for the rest of my life, I know it. She had a few sayings, but this one was the major one.

My mother is not a procrastinator. She used to set the Thanksgiving table the day after Halloween. Christmas presents were bought, wrapped, and hidden by the time school started.

It must have killed her to have me for a kid. I am the queen of procrastination. I think this blog was started because I didn't want to clean the kitchen. Blogging is a fabulous form of procrastination, don't you think? I never did a school project until the Sunday before it was due. I never did a chore until my parents practically dragged me across the house to do it. My motto was always more like "Why do something now if you can put it off until later?" I mean, something might happen between now and later that would make the whole thing not even necessary, right?

This attitude has not served me well.

I've had good days, before. I've found "systems" that help to keep me on track. And they work for a little while. But eventually I go off track.

So one or the other... if I could stop trying to do it all or if I could just figure out how to fit it all into the 24 hours that I get every day, I think I'd be okay.

Now I should probably get some work done and stop blogging.